How to Write a Novel in 10 Easy Steps (This Really Works)

In celebration of completing ‘the novel, I’ve decided to put together a quick 10-step guide for all writers attempting to pen a novel. Since there are about a million resources available online, I had to dig deep and identify the real meat and potatoes of what it takes to pull off this mammoth task. Hopefully, this guide will inspire others and help you on the path to superstardom.

1. Write the first page as quickly as you can. Now, look back at what you wrote and smile, because you’re absolutely f**ked going forward now.

2. When you’ve figured out some semblance of a plot, jot it down somewhere. Got it? Cool. Now, you can rip out that page and throw it away because everything will change by the end of the story.

3. Laugh at all your stupid jokes. Really, do it – because if you don’t, no one will.

4. After your first 20, 000 words, ask yourself if you’re still writing in English. Every word looks foreign by now, so you should definitely make sure it’s still in the same language.

5. Go to the book store and pick out any novel. Read the first 10 pages and mutter how much better your writing is. After that ego boost, go back home and cry yourself to sleep about how you have no idea what you’re doing.

6. Procrastinate for a week or twelve.

7. Finished your first draft? Cool! Now, scrap it and start over.

8. And again.

9. And one more time.

10. Congratulations! You’ve written a novel; you’re the real MVP. At this point, you should be proud to not have murdered someone throughout this whole process (I sincerely hope you didn’t).

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